Coder, Programmer, Developer, Frontend, Backend, FullStack

looking at code
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What do you do?

I often get asked. “What do you do?” And i confess depending on who is asking i use the terms Coder, Programmer, Developer interchangeably.  An example of an answer i use might be “I program, I often do Front End-work and i am currently working on my backend skills” If a see a eyebrow go up in a “What are you talking about?” i shift the conversation to a general type air, but if i see two eyebrows go up in a “i know this too, can we talk more?” i shift the conversation more in depth.

A Question:

The world of coding or programming is sometimes hard to grasp especially for beginners or outsiders. I don’t exactly know anymore when i started coding but i know that there is always something new to learn. So coder, programmer, developer. To get a sense of what people thought about these terms in general. I asked on my personal face-book page about what people thought was the difference between a coder, a programmer, a software developer.  It came back with some pretty interesting answers.

  • Person1 said : it is all the same
  • Person2 used a comparison with teachers. : It can be compared to kindergarten/elementary teachers,  High-school teachers and professors.
  • Person3: Depends on the context and what the person is able to do code wise
  • Person4: A coder is someone who writes code abiding certain rules (algorithms) a programmer abides those rules in and a developer does more than just code but also takes care of the process of the development process as a whole.
  • Person5: sent an awesome link to a post where a guy used a venn-diagram to explain the difference. An excerpt from that post shows a really great summary for my question:

Coder – Can pretty much figure out a solution. It’ll work, but it won’t be pretty.

Programmer – Write code and understand algorithms. Often work alone and well.

Developer – Are the best generalists, can use lots of different systems and languages and get them to talk to each other. Are true and broad professionals, work with people, and communicate well.

Types of Developers/Coders/Programmers

Adding to the “confusion” There are different kind of developers/coders/programmers. These are:

Web : A Web developer is a kind of programmer who specializes in the development of applications relating to the World Wide Web or distributed network applications.

Front End : A front-end developer is a type of computer programmer that codes and creates the visual front-end elements of a software, application or website. He or she creates computing components/features that are directly viewable and accessible by the end user or client. A front-end developer is also known as a client end developer, HTML-er and front-end coder.

Back End : A back-end developer is a type of programmer who creates the logical back-end and core computational logic of a website, software or information system. The developer creates components and features that are indirectly accessed by a user through a front-end application or system.

Full Stack Developer: developers who are proficient (not just slightly experienced) with all layers of an application. That means HTML, CSS, and JavaScript expertise for the UI/front-end.That means experience in server-side technologies and architecture. That means SQL expertise and database administration skills. And it means version control and testing skills as well.

So for my own coding journey. I guess i am now at the point where i am a front end coder. I am working on my back end skills but in the end i want to be a full stack developer. Mind you , i am very much not there yet. But i am working on it. Where are you in your journey? and where do you want to be?

Met twinkle ogen en een brede smile,

 

Eve

A post from my coding journey

 

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Habit #5 Seek to understand , then to be understood

communicate to understand
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Habit #5 Seek to understand , then to be understood

Habit 5 in the book 7 habits of highly effective people is basically about communication. It says: “Seek to understand and then to be understood” Why do we have to practice that? Most of us are scripted in the fact that we want to be understood first and in that process do not try to  first understand. We listen to reply and we should shift that to “listen to understand” and then be understood.

Levels of listening

Seeking to understand basically comes down to listening. According to the book we typically listen on one of four levels:

  • We ignore: We actually don’t listen
  • We pretend: We say “huh-huh” but are not really getting all of it (Like when a child chatters about)
  • We listen selectively: We listen with the intend to reply, or listen to the voices in our head to say what we want to say instead of what the other person is saying, or we are looking at our phone
  • We listen attentively: We focus energy on what is being said, but only on what is being said.

Emphatic listening

Other than the four levels we see here there is actually a fifth level and that is emphatic listening. This level of thinking takes skill and practice to master. It is like attentive listening , but we not only focus on what is being said, we also “listen” to the other signals the person is giving. All of this is with the intention to understand. Some characteristics of emphatic listening are:

  • You try to get in the other person’s frame of mind. For instance you look at something and you may see a six, but he sees a 9 because he is on the opposite of you.
  • You have empathy. However. Don’t confuse it with sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement and is sometimes the appropriate response, but it makes people too dependent. The essence of empathy is not really in agreeing with someone but that you fully understand that person emotionally and intellectually.
  • You look also at the person’s body language and your intuition . According to experts only 10% of our communication is represented by words. 30% is represented by sounds and 60% by body language.
  • You have true desire to understand the other person (This is very important!)
  • You have something in the emotional bank-account in your relationship with the other person.
  • Some skill in responding appropriately. There are four levels to this in increasing level of skill
    • You mimic what the other person is saying. Ex.
      • Other person says: “I hate school”
      • You say: ”You hate work”
    • You rephrase
      • Other person says: “I hate school”
      • You say: “You don’t enjoy school”
    • You reflect feeling of the other person
      • Other person says: “I Hate school”
      • You say: “You are unhappy”
    • You reflect feeling of the other person and rephrase
      • Other person says: ”I hate school”
      • You say: “You are unhappy with school and maybe want to leave it”

To be understood yourself

The book says if you authentically and truly try to understand the other person with empathic listening, the other person will open up to you.  Then there is  opening for you to be understood. However you have to keep in mind. If you want to be understood you have to

  • You have to take the time to understand the other person
  • The other person trusts you based on previous encounters or feels your authenticity
  • You have a good logical argument

Habit 5 “Seek to understand then to be understood”.

Did you enjoy the summary?

Until next time friends

With a twinkle and a smile,

 

Eve

 

Excercise to habit 5

Select a relationsip where you feel things should be going better. Try to understand and write down the situation from the other person’s view. In your next interaction. Listen for understanding. How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that person?

 

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How would you act if you had no feeling of fear

guy looking at view to overcome fear
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Question

“How would you act or do if you had no feeling of fear or guilt?”

It has been a while since i asked myself that. Actually it was yesterday and the day before. And I never really wrote down the answer yet. Which is weird because I like to write. And I also like to exercise, meditate, journal , read, eat. But I tend to these things not as much as I like or in the way I want to. You know what I mean? I mean I exercise but sometimes I don’t do all crunches. I meditate and find myself thinking about other things. I read but sometimes not all of it.  Do you have it too?

Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear

The saying “Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear”. It’s very popular, because it’s true. We know it, We can do something about it. But. Why don’t we have it all then? Why do we feel unhappy even if we have some of the stuff, things or even accomplishments done we did not think about 10 years ago? Why can’t we just let fear go?Because It is a sneaky little bastard. Fear, the feeling, it is there but, you tend to not know it’s there. It hides behind:

  • I’ll do it later
  • I don’t have time
  • Maybe after the youngest kid goes to first grade
  • I’m busy
  • My phone goes
  • I need to check my social now (at 5 when you planned to do it at 6), while at 5 you planned to the thing you know you need to do, in order to do what you want to do. The things like
    • Following your passion
    • Leaving or set the things in place to leave your current job and start your startup J
    • Getting your weight goal
    • Writing your book

Fear is supposed to be there, fear says: “you will stumble” but to protect you

I think now, maybe fear is supposed to be there. So I can’t say throw it all away. But I can say, you can use the fear. Do it. Before it uses you. Embrace the fear. Use the emotion. Acknowledge that it is there and think: what am I missing out on if  I don’t follow my passion because of this. What is the price I am going to pay? Is it important enough? Fear maybe says: “I am going to stumble”. But hey, maybe you are going to stumble upon something great. Getting back to the question in the beginning of the post. One of my personal answers was: Having a great and useful blog.

For me. It took a while to get here, i am still the hell not where i am supposed to be. While I know for years enough of the technical stuff to get things up and running. This is only here since the beginning of the year and then i also stopped. Because I always said, but what should I write about? What do I want to write about? “I’ll think about it later.” And there it was I felt it. This was me fearing something I wanted to do.  And then for some reason I just started to write:

What to do to let go of fear

I am here, This is me, I am working and embracing my fear. And I can tell you this. Doing the thing you fear, really does kind of undo the feeling of fear. Tell me what is on your other end of it? And what are you willing to do for it?

With a twinkle and a smile,

Eve

Habit 1 – Be proactive

 

 

 

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Habit #4 Think Win-Win

win - win
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Intro

“This post is a summary for habit 4 of the book 7 habits of highly effective people. I think you can see this as a part of a series of blog-posts where I summarize the habits. It is my effort in finishing the book and hopefully bringing you some useful information.” Here we go:

Habits

While the first 3 habits deal with personal leadership and management. The fourth , fifth and sixth habit are habits for effective people dealing in all kinds of interdependent relations. Business relations, Family relations, Marriage are some examples. The fourth habit from 7 habits of effective people is to think win/win.

When you think win / win, your relation agreements and solutions feel like win/win. It is where all parties feel good about the decisions made and feel committed to the action plan. Win/Win is a belief in an alternative. It means it is not your way or my way. It is a better way , a higher way.

To think win / win you have to make certain shifts in your thinking. The best way to do that is to realize that are other situations and recognizing them. I’ve tried to kind of summarize them in this table

6 paradigms of human interactions

Paradigm of human interaction Explanation Example of thinking
Win/Win (Habit 4) Believe that everyone can win and constantly seek mutual benefit in human interactions Let’s say you want to go out to dinner but your friend want to see a movie. You can go for win-win, order take out and rent a movie.
Win/Lose If I win, you lose.” Win-Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, and personality to get their way. For example, an employer who will only hire when they feel a candidate has negotiated poorly and the salary is below market. This can have negative consequences such as a failure to obtain the most talented candidates
Lose/Win The reversed form from win/lose. When you are too quick to please. It means being a nice guy even if everyone steps on you “I lose/you win”

“I’m a peacemaker, I’ll do anything to keep the peace”

“Step on me everyone does”

Lose/Lose This when 2 stubborn people interact. And both want to “get back” at each other. It doesn’t matter if you yourself lose. As long as the other party also loses. For example: there was a divorce case when the judge directed the husband to sell all of the assets and turn half of the proceeds to the ex-wife. He sold a car well worth over $10000 for $50 and gave $25 to the wife. Both parties lose
Win This mentality thinks in terms of securing his own and leaving it to others to secure theirs. This is when there is no sense of contest or competition
Win/Win or No Deal If you can’t come up with a win/win solution you say no deal In a simple example. If your friend wants to go to the movie and you want to go out eating. And you both don’t want to give in. You don’t spend the evening together.

Character traits

According to the book. Win/Win is the optimum solution we should strive for if we want to have effective interdependent relationships. To think win/win you need to cultivate the following characteristics:

  • Integrity: The value we place on ourselves. Habits 1,2,3 help us maintain integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively plan, organize and execute around those values, we develop self-awareness and independent will biy making and keeping meaningful promises
  • Maturity: The ability to express one’s own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others. “I empathically understand but also courageously confront”
  • Abundance mentality: Believing the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everyone.

Practice Success Habit 4: Get yourself to start thinking Win-Win with this challenge

  • Think about an upcoming interactionwhere you’ll be attempting to reach an agreement or solution. Write down a list of what the other person is looking for. Next, write a list next to that of how you can make an offer to meet those needs.

 

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How to find time to code when you have young childeren

write code when having young childeren
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Finding time to code or write

I can do many things I like. Two of them that seem to stick out of the bunch are to write and to write code. It makes me feel smart and I’ve been doing very well with it. But life with kids is a whirlwind of everything which makes it very challenging to make time to write or do anything where you need to concentrate for a little while.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids with all my soul. When they look at me with their twinkle eyes and put their arms around me in a mommy-kid hug. I feel that they have saved me and I feel the responsibility to be a good mom and to help them to be a contribution to this world.

However, I also don’t plan to  put my writing- or coding journey on hold until they grow up. So I talked to a few other parents did some research to try to find some tips to deal with this. Here they are:

Plan your week or use some kind of planning system.

It was good that I read habit 3 of the 7 habits of highly effective people. Practicing the habit “put first things first” has really helped me to plan and make some time for writing. It is still not as much as I want to, but it is better than the almost no time to write anything which always resulted in zero blogposts. Now I can at least produce at least 1 in a week. I still have to keep practicing this, but I promise you this works.

  • Plan your week
  • Write down when you do the things you need to do to fulfill your responsibilities. (getting the kids to eat, bringing them to school etc)
  • There will be some time to plan your writing or coding. Schedule it and execute.

Don’t feel guilty and let go of perfectionism as a parent coder writer or any type of passion

We all want to be perfect especially as a parent or the work we create. And while we need to do our best and I agree with the value of deliver quality work. You have to let go of being perfect all the time. It takes too long to wait on the perfect circumstance to write. If you haven’t come up with the perfect sentence yet. Write the crappy sentence and edit.

Get in the habit of writing or coding in short bursts

Ideally I want to have 3 hours of uninterrupted time for writing or coding. (yes that’s me) This is hard whether you have a full time job or a work from home kind of situation. We all know the “mom can you help me” call. The third eye you need to see if your kid is not climbing on the counter again. If you see that your kids are asleep or you find the time. Anything from 10 minutes on is enough to jot down some remarkable words or that  smart snippet of code.

 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help looking after your kids.

As a mom I feel the pressure of the responsibility to look after my kids. I have to look after them. If their dad has to work, which is quite a lot because he has a lot of responsibilities , I need them to be with me and not anyone else. I feel guilty putting this “burden” on anyone else. You need to let that go.

Examples you can go for

  • You take the kids for two hours to go swimming on a Sunday, and other two hours you let their dad look after them. That way each of you has had have the time with them an you have had time to write
  • Ask a friend or grandparent to help out for 3 hours once a week. It makes all the difference.
  • Pay a babysitter for once a week

You know if I have learned anything a useful piece of code or writing is better than a perfect one. So don’t put writing or coding or your passion off until a later time. A happy parent is better than a perfect parent. My kids don’t always have the perfect ponytail or hairdo and sometimes they have a little more screentime than I want to, but they are thriving and happy. And as long as you can find that balance for yourself and your kids and everyone you love. I guess your good. Let me know if you have any tips or if these have helped you.

May you always have a twinkle and a smile,

 

Eve

 

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Habit #3 – Putting first things first

time-management
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Putting first things first is a habit about planning, organizing and executing your activities around your most important priorities. If you put first things first you have decided what those first things are (hello personal leadership!) and execute them when you when you planned them (hello personal management). The third habit builds on the 2 previous habits.

  • Habit 1 be proactive: says you’re the programmer. You’re responsible for making things happen.
  • Habit 2 keep the end in mind: says write the program. What do you want the end result to be?
  • Habit 3 Put first things first: says execute the program. You know you are responsible (Habit1), you know what the end result should be.(Habit2) Now put your activities in the right order and execute them.

Now there are a vast amount of time management tips and tricks out there. I’ll just write down what has been working for me over the last months.

  • I use Sunday to kind of plan for the week ahead.
  • I list what I want to eat for the rest of the week. Also what my kids need to eat. So I know what to cook. (or if I need to get take-out)
  • I identify my key roles for the week (this is a good time to go and look at your mission statement). An example for me
    • Individual – blogger
    • Individual – coding
    • Parent
    • Daughter
  • I identify my goals for those roles. Examples
    • Write and publish two posts
    • Build 2 forms for client A
    • Bring daughter to a daughter-mother event
    • Call mom , bring a surprise
  • The scheduling is the tricky part. But If you stay consistent in planning ahead. I promise you, that life will seem less cluttered. And rice will taste better J
    • Take a pen and paper and draw columns for Monday through Sunday.
    • Also make a column for the times your awake
    • Schedule in the things you HAVE to do. For instance. Bathing , cooking , bringing the kids to school etc. Commute time
    • There will be open spaces for your goals. Schedule them in those area’s
    • If there are no open spaces for your goals. I recommend that you look at habit 2 and think about your personal mission statement. Are you doing everything you want and need to do?
  • Execute and daily review
    • When you wake up. Look at your schedule and try to keep your promise to yourself to do the things you need to do
    • Sometimes things will come up you can’t ignore. Reschedule but keep your priorities your priorities. Learn to say no if needed.
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Habit#2 – Begin with the end in mind

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Habit #2 – Start with the end in mind

The habit “Beginning with the end in mind” is derived from a saying that “All things are created twice”. Once in the mind and then in the real (world). You can compare it with constructing a building. When a building is established, first a blueprint is made and the building is constructed. To make this habit your own you can train your mind to envision what you cannot see with your eyes.

An exercise that is given in the book is to imagine yourself at your own funeral and listening to the eulogies given by our loved ones and important persons. Hereby basically answering the question “How do we want to be remembered?” “How do we want people describing us”?

This exercise, this habit, challenges us to be clear about where we want to go or who we want to be. If we know what we want to be remembered for or what things we want to happen. We can be proactive and take the responsibility to make that happen. Our life- and daily choices will be influenced by where we want to go rather than emotions of the moment.

How to become a first creator

  • When you wake up before you start your day, imagine yourself at the end of the day with your 3 most important things of the day accomplished. How will you feel? How did it benefit other people.
  • Write a personal mission statement. Use your self-awareness and conscious to write out your roles in life (examples parent, colleague, friend,). Ask yourself: How do you want to be remembered in each role?
  • Identify a project you will be taking on in the near future. Write down the results your desire and what steps you need to take to get those results. Look at this regularly and at the end of the project to see is you are where you want to be.

 

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Habit#1 – Be proactive

Between stimulus and response
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A Decision to be proactive

So I decided to stop bitching. Yasss. A curse word. J I usually do refrain from cursing especially in my writing. But sometimes it gives so much effect that I like it… Sooooo I decided to stop bitching.  I think some people noticed. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter. In the beginning of the year one of my new year’s resolutions was to read more books.  Cause you know: readers are leaders and all that jazz.

But here I am past the middle of the year and I am still at the one book I started. 7 habits of highly effective people. Starting was not that hard for me. Finishing seems to be a lot more challenging.   I need something that pulls me to finish the book.

Thus. I made a plan. A series of blog-posts with kind of a summary and my interpretation of the 7 habits. I think everyone who reads that can benefit from that too. I do however recommend that you read the book yourself, because nothing beats knowledge you absorbed yourself.

Here I go and enjoy:

Each person has the ability to be self-aware. Self-awareness enables us to think about ourselves and think about thinking. Our thought process. Like now at this moment you can think about how you are reading this post and I am thinking about how I am writing now. This ability enables us to work on ourselves and in this case on habit 1. Which is : Be Proactive

Being proactive means that you take initiative and you are also aware of your responsibility to make things happen. Having said that: Proactive people focus these efforts, the-making-things-happen-efforts in their Circle of Influence. This is kind of the abstract space of things you can do something about. For instance you can choose remain positive and calm in a situation where someone else is being really angry and irritating.

Now how can you practice this habit?

Here are some suggestions for being pro-active.

  • For 30 days wake up with the intention and thought. I choose to be proactive.
    • This is small yes. A small commitment that you can practice. As you make and keep small commitments to yourself you will see that you will build and inner integrity and self-control. A courage and strength to keep growing. After all the small commitments done great are great commitments
  • Be aware of yourself and your own response when dealing with other people. In the end the enables you to choose how to respond.
  • Change your self –talk from “if only” to “be”. Practice it for at least 30 days
    • In other words: Use the right language. For example don’t say I can’t do that because it is not who I am. Say I choose not to. Or I can be better. Your inner-response will let you know if you did right. Other examples of the right language are. I can be a better listener, I can choose to respond, I get to go to work instead of I have to go to work.
  • Do whatever is necessary consistent with the right values
    • An example of a value is “to produce good work”. If this is a value of yours you will get yourself in the right mindset to deliver the right quality.
    • Another example is : “Be kind” If this is a value of yours and you are self-aware in certain situations you will know to respond with being kind. Instead of for example angry.

That was it for my summary for habit 1. If you already read 7 habits let me know what you took from habit 1 . and if you are still doing your habit 1. I am very curious.

A last note

I keep thinking I know it is hard to set goals. I sometimes also forget them. And maybe I am not quite hitting the nail. But you should take your first step. Or your second if you have already taken your first. I have no doubt in my mind you have greatness in you. You just need to keep going. Because real success lies in progress.

 

With a twinkle and a smile,

Eve

“Between stimulus and response man has freedom to choose” (Vikto Frankl)

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Praten kookt geen rijst

in the kitchen
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Ben je mix?

Wanneer mensen me zien wordt er vaak gevraagd wat voor mix ik ben, maar ik ben een volbloed javaan. Een broko-broko volbloed eentje want waar ik zag dat al mijn kleine nichtjes van 12 (allemaal ook volbloedjes) al een bami konden draaien, had ik op mijn 18e geen idee hoe ik zelfs maar water moest koken. Ja ok, dat is misschien een beetje overdreven. Ik kon niet veel en dat was heel duidelijk. Op een gegeven moment dacht ik, weet je wat. ik doe het gewoon. Geen levensgrote happening was gebeurd hoor. ik was gewoon alleen thuis en dacht tegen mezelf : Doe. Wat.

Mijn eerste keer rijst koken

Mijn ouders waren naar het werk, mijn zus was bij haar vriend, nu jammer genoeg mijn ex-zwager. Ik pakte stilletjes en op mijn tenen de rice-cooker en stekker van de rice-cooker. Zomaar deed ik zo stiekem. Ik was alleen thuis, maar toch wilde ik dat niemand me zag. Ik voelde namelijk de hartkloppingen en mijn rode wangen al, als ik een blunder zou maken en mensen me zouden uitlachen. Als ik nu iets fout deed zou tenminste niemand het zien.

ik zette rijst in die bak van de rice-cooker. Een cupje leek me wel genoeg  en ik vulde het met water en ging kijken tot waar het water kwam. Was het nou de eerste streep van je pink of je duim? Oh MAI GOD. I just don’t know. Ik koos de duim. Ik zette de bak in de watercooker. Emh Aisah heb je het water 3 keer gewassen? Oh jesis weer naar de wasbak. 3 keer spoelen en dan weer erin. Water tot de pink en rijstcooker aan.

Ok Ais, dat was niet zo moeilijk zei ik tegen mezelf en realiseerde me dat ik het de eerste keer met de duim had gedaan en zonet met de pink.  Zucht, ik ga echt niet opnieuw weghalen hor. Ik ben benieuwd hoe het eruit komt.

Een herinnering

Dit was 14 jaar terug , maar het gevoel is nog heel bekend omdat ik mij soms nog steeds zo voel. Onzeker, oncomfortabel en geen flauw idee wat ik aan het doen ben. Maar dat is niet de reden om dingen te ontwijken die je moet doen. Ik heb nu zelf een rice-cooker. Ik denk dat het als elke andere rice-cooker is. Het heeft een wit lichaam. Een soort aluminium potje dat je eruit kan halen, een stekker en een aan-uit knop. Wanneer je je rijst hebt opgezet dan pruttelt het en komt er wat stoom uit aan de zijkant en je ruikt een milde verse rijstdamp. Ik denk dan een beetje aan de stoom die ze in sauna’s gebruiken.

Wanneer we het niet gebruiken zet ik het in de keukenkast naast mijn stenen stamper.  Een rice-cooker en een stenen stamper. Twee dingen waarvan me moeder zei:  dit moet je in de keuken hebben. Ze zei me ook altijd:  “je moet altijd tenminste rijst en zout in huis hebben hoor.” “jaaa maaa”. zeg ik dan een beetje met rollende ogen. (lach)  Je moeder is op de een of andere manier toch altijd wel in je hoofd. 1 keer had ik 9 uur ‘s avonds toch geen rijst in huis. Ik lag al in me bed, maar ik ben toch eruit gegaan om snel die zak te kopen. Want je blijft denken aan wat je moeder je zei. Altijd rijst en zout in huis.

En nu

Ik besef nu dat dat ik intussen heb geleerd om rijst te koken zonder rice-cooker. How. About. That. Wat dat betreft ben ik toch wel een eindje verder gekomen. Al zeg ik het zelf. En nu weet ik waarom ik in het begin twijfelde over dat pink duim ding. Zoveel mensen doen het anders. En weet je wat. Ik doe het nu ook anders hahahahahha. Wanneer ik mijn rijst heb gewassen en het water vul, maak ik een hoek van 90 graden met mijn 4 uiterste vingers en mijn handpalm en leg de achterkant van mijn vingers tegen het rijst aan nadat het is gewassen. Het water moet nu net boven je vingers komen. Voor mij werkt dit fantastisch. Je rijst is zacht maar, niet te zacht of nat maar lekker steamy en het lijkt alsof het beter smaakt.

Het maakt niet uit. Je kan het

Ik vind het jammer dat ik laat heb geleerd om te koken. Zo lang onzeker over niks. En je kan het jezelf leren hoor. Je weet heel gauw wat wel en niet kan als je het elke dag doet. Nu voel ik me natuurlijk niet meer oncomfortabel, maar voor zoiets simpels als  je rice cooker aanzetten heb ik mezelf een heleboel moeten uphypen. Je kan het. Je kan het. Je kan het.

Ik kamp er nog steeds mee, die onzekerheid. Niet elke dag meer, maar wel soms. Ik had het toen ik de eerste keer op het prikbord moest kijken op de universiteit. Gaan mensen me dom vinden? dacht ik.

Ik had het toen ik voor mij onbekende docenten in het buitenland moest bellen voor mijn afstudeer. Ik had het toen ik moest cold-callen voor mijn business. Ik had het heel sterk toen ik voor het eerst mijn dochter haar luier moest verwisselen. Ik had het soms zelfs als mensen me vreemd aankeken.

Dat gevoel is een Bilaterale Incompetente Technisch Chaotisch Hinder. (Hebben jullie gezien wat ik daar heb gedaan?) ik probeerde gewoon niet uit te schelden.

Een laatste gedachte hier

Door de jaren heen tussen, stille momenten en gesprekken met vriendinnen, familie, collega’s, professionals, zelfs vreemdelingen heb ik gezien dat iedereen weleens zulke momenten heeft. Je doet iets niet omdat je een hoop rommel denkt. Ik moet eerst dit nog doen. Ze hebben me nog nodig. Ze gaan me dom vinden. Zo oud ben ik dan kan ik dit nog niet. Misschien relevante redenen.

Maar ondanks dat weet ik dat je het kan en het gewoon moet doen. Je kan het gewoon. Dat ding dat je niet doet kan je wel, ook al denk je dat het geen waarde heeft. Het heeft wel waarde. En net zoals me moeder altijd zegt dat je tenminste rijst en zout in huis moet hebben. Hoop ik dat je van mij onthoud dat je het kan. Je kan het. Het zit in je. Doe het. Je zal zien dat zelfs je rijst beter zal smaken.

Met twinkle ogen en een brede smile,

Eve

 

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Some tips for being a gentleman: A letter to my son

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Hi son,

i consider myself very lucky to have given birth to two strong and
healthy childeren of who you are the second.
i want you to know that even though you are not my first child love, i
definitely don’t love you any less.

I don’t think i will handle you guys the same, because i already see the
differences in your personalities. i will handle you guys as fair as i
know fit. I want you to know that there is a place for all of us. At the
place where we call home.

Having said this: When i knew you were a boy. i remebered this:

” Being male is a matter of birth,
A man is a matter of age,
but, being a gentleman is a matter of choice “

I hope you make the gentleman choice. Earlier i had some tips for your
sister for handeling herself.

Here are my tips for you

  1.  Yes you can. You can do it. You can do anything. But remember to
    practice.
  2. You are intelligent, be careful with that. A man of real intelligence
    and cultivated mind is generally modest
  3. Manners matter:
    • Hold the door open voor man and women
    • Stand up when someone enters or leaves the room/table
    • Never pay more attention to your phone than the person you are with
  4. A gentleman is always on time
  5. A gentleman can drive stickshift
  6. It is okay to cry and show emotion
  7. A gentleman never starts a fight, he is however permitted to stop
    one.
  8. A gentleman respects himself and takes care of himself and his
    appearance
  9. Don’t curse
  10. Chances are you will meet a woman, you will find that you will want
    to give her the world and you can with love and respect. If you know
    your worth this woman you will meet, will be right for you.

My dear boy. I love you.
A warm hug.

Mom

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